I kept putting off writing this the last week or so, thinking that there was still a chance I'd come up with something new to say -- but honestly, I think I could've written this last month & it would still be just like this. I think that a part of me always kind of knew what I learned in Korea; I just didn't really know I knew.
Where to start, where to start. Man, I don't know. I was talking with Jenny the other day & of course the topic of leaving came up. We were saying how in a lot of ways, being here is like being in some kind of weird coma fever dream -- and now we're waking up and going home and it's going to be like we were just asleep for a while, while life kept going on without us. I guess that's the most accurate way to describe how it feels. I keep looking at everything around me here, and it's so strange; I have to say goodbye to all of it and might not come back, so it's almost like in my Korean life I'm in the process of dying... but really I'm going somewhere I belong, and belonged to before. It's very odd. In a lot of ways, I'm extremely relieved to get back to the States. I don't think it's been a secret to anyone that not everything has been easy for me here. There were a lot of days that I wished I could just pack up and go. A lot of days I wanted to cry, or not show up at school, etc. (Though there were just as many times I was unbelievably happy, unbelievably proud.) Anyway: as glad as I am to get back to college, my regularly scheduled life, etc -- a part of me keeps looking back and seeing not only what I did, but what I didn't do.
I don't think anyone ever feels that they've done absolutely everything they could to the fullest. But I always had this idea before coming here that I would somehow manage to this time. I pictured myself somehow miraculously turning out to be an awesome teacher regardless of the fact that I didn't know anything about teaching -- which is how it would have gone if this were a movie -- seamlessly melding with the Korean lifestyle, coming back fluent and forever changed, a myriad of impossible images. I don't know that in my heart I really thought it would be that way, don't worry. I always kind of knew I wouldn't come back wanting to do this my whole life. But that's just how it is: at Orientation we were given so many ideas about what this would really be like... And absolutely everyone approached things differently, but I think at heart anyone who comes here does so with some measure of ridiculous hope. Whether you come here knowing you want to be a teacher or would like to find out, or if you're here because it's an easy way to travel/make a little bit of money -- nobody thought it would be hard exactly. We all had those ideas. It's difficult to really put your finger on reality sometimes; maybe it's arrogance, or some layer of your mind trying to make up for the parts of you that have a better handle on things. I was warned about culture shock, and I thought: "That would never happen to me." I was shown classroom strategies and tips, and I thought: "I'll come up with my own way to do things that everyone will want to emulate after and commend me on forever. That's totally realistic." I was warned about troubles I might have, and I thought: "Sure. That's manageable." And it was in the end, but not by the means I thought. Then there were all those troubles nobody mentioned would come up, and all those absurdly fantastic things I never even thought to imagine.
The bottom line is that I learned more about myself than I did about Korea. As absolutely cliched as that sounds. I cringed writing it. I cringe every time I have to say it, but since it's what really happened, I can't avoid it. Sometimes cliches are grounded in truth, right? I don't really have more to say about it than that.
On a different front altogether, I have finally realised the boxes I put myself in by studying anthropology. There were many times in Korea that I clearly saw myself unable to break out of various theories and ideas I've learned instead of forming my own. I've decided that this is all right, since I do come up with my own about different things, and have yet to be convinced out of them.
So... I don't know how to continue this, or even end it appropriately. I feel like I always have a lot to say about things, but I don't know how to articulate them in a way that will seem cohesive to someone who isn't me. Too much happened here.
I guess: I'm grateful to 8-months-ago-Kat for making the decision to fill out an application and send it in, even though it didn't seem like it could happen. I'll never regret my time here, ever. I'll never forget Seosu Elementary, or Gunsan, or all those people I met and got to know even for a few short months. I'll wonder about my students and their lives until I'm old, even if they forget me. I'll always have a soft spot for Korea: good and bad. I'll probably have random cravings for kimchi and kogi mandu and squid and banana uyu and sugary soju cocktails the rest of my life.
파이팅 forever.
파이팅 forever.
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