12 / Culture Shock is Real

Long bout of introspection etc.

As an anthropology major & person generally interested in such things, I can't count how many times I have heard the term "culture shock" in the last three or four years. I also can't count how many times I told myself that it really can't be all that bad. I suppose the words bring up images of a person that I'm not, or usually assume that I couldn't be.

I am a fairly openminded person most of the time; I like to try new foods, activities, etc & most of my personal beliefs are aligned fairly firmly with subjectivism. For most of my adultish life I've willingly and independently studied other cultures and languages for fun. It never really occurred to me coming here that I'd experience anything more than a few bumps and bruises when it comes to adjusting. I knew that Korea would be different, very different than anything I've ever experienced, but I had no idea it would throw me for such a loop.

And by that, I don't mean that it's hard to adjust to the simpler aspects of life is here. I like the people I've met and see every day, am all right with my area, enjoy the food, the nightlife, etc. I guess you could say that the... exterior?... aspects of my time here have all been wonderful. I have absolutely no qualms about anything I've experienced, from the bath houses to the craziness of my elementary school. For that reason, I thought that I could and was avoiding the dreaded "shock". But I see now that I haven't avoided much of anything at all -- instead, my experience with "shock" has been entirely internal.

It's hard to explain, exactly. Before coming here, my peers and I were repeatedly warned that we would have ups and downs, and told a thousand times over... and over... and over... what the symptoms of classic "culture shock" would be and how to recognise them in ourselves. I remember telling myself during those lectures that they were irrelevant to me. I've done a lot of adapting the past few years; I consider myself as a person who reacts very well to change. And typically, yeah, I do. But since moving to Gunsan, I can't lie: I've had many symptoms.

I don't always sleep well at night, and when I do I never feel as rested as I would. I am always tired -- exhausted -- and beyond that, I require a lot more time to recharge than I do at home. A day at school or out and about and I need a lot of quiet time to recover. It's not that things are particularly strenuous, or that I am physically tired exactly... I think that it wears on me after a while, to know that very few people I interact with on a daily basis actually understand me, or are even understood by me. I function just fine. I go out and buy groceries, attempt to communicate, etc. But beyond the simplest things, even with sincere effort, I am like a walking radio playing gibberish. Even my physical demeanor and gestures are not understood, though I am assimilating the best I can in that regard. I am looked at and talked about everywhere I go. This doesn't bother me as much, but it's just like... Another straw, you know? There's such a large list of differences and reminders every day that just serve to reiterate my complete cultural illiteracy here. I don't know the right way to do anything, and it's very rare that I even really know what's going on around me.

 I know that it's a really good experience for me to have, beneficial -- and that soon, it will not feel this way any more. But it's been a little overwhelming at times. A good and bad kind of overwhelming. (:

I do miss home. To be completely honest, that's not a typical feeling for me. I don't really consider Michigan my home, though I have lived there so long. I more consider the people there and my family to be my home, and I miss everyone SO MUCH. It's unbelievable how much I have come to miss my own simple routines at home -- going to school and feeling like a STUDENT instead of a teacher, being able to read labels and signs, to say what I want or what I need, etc. In some ways I am kind of happy that I came here with little to no knowledge of the Korean language.... It's made things so much more visceral in the sense that I'm not only culturally illiterate, but... Really illiterate. And as a person that can't remember not being able to read, that's been very profound. I feel pretentious saying that or writing practically any of this, but it's true.

 I will never forget as long as I live what it's like to be a foreigner. I have so much more respect now for people who head over to the States with no language skills, no idea what they're in store for; I think it takes an incredible amount of bravery and strength to make a new life anywhere. It's strange because so much of my family is not even from the States, but it never completely occurred to me what an effort that is, though I think they were used to making drastic moves... More used than I am, anyway. I feel a bit slow.

And it's strange, but though I've felt a surge of patriotism recently -- another symptom of "culture shock" apparently -- I don't completely feel like an American. I've always prescribed more to the idea of personal culture, or inner culture... layers of culture? ... and while being American and Argentinian both affect my inner culture, so does my psychology. I feel like an ambassador of myself. I wish I were still in my History of Anthropological Theory class so that I'd remember who to read about this. :s

Happy, worn out, homesick... <3

2 out of 4 months finished! (Almost.)

Also, today I finally bought a really big cuff to wear around my wrist tattoo. I don't know so much that I am concerned about people thinking badly of me, but I know if the kids saw it they'd flip out. They flip out about pretty much anything and everything. Sometimes that's good, and other times that's bad.

The past few days have been pretty hard in class. :/ There is a girl who is constantly getting picked on and excluded, though to be fair she sometimes instigates it... Monday and today my 3rd and 4th grade period was interrupted by her crying hysterically in her seat, which made everyone else angry and refuse to work. :/ In 5th and 6th grade, usually my best class, a couple of boys have figured out how to say "I don't speak English" & now repeat that whenever I try to present them with an activity. It seems like every afternoon there is some new challenge. I'm doing my best, though. (: There are moments that make it worth it, though I can't lie.... there are moments I just want to walk out of the room, I'm so frustrated.

This week we're learning about fruits/vegetables, "I like", "I don't like", etc. Wish me luck.

PS. The yellow sand from China started blowing in this week. :O